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Song about gender dysphoria and hating my own actions, not just the consequences

lyrics

Mr. Funeral's arrived
To take you home
But he doesn't know
Where he's buried me

They should've told you the heart is a stranger
And the masculine is its cave
Had I known you were in danger
Maybe I could have found a new way to be

I have had preoccupations
Ambitions that lead me far away
Studying new forms of learning behaviors
And yearning in places where I will stay obscene

When did entitlement elope with me
Everything I set my eyes on suddenly is corrupted by my greed
I hate you sir, I hate you
You rob the joy from everyone I see
So cowardly

Don't ask when the last atrocity was
I banish you when you misbehave
A broken clock is right twice a day
But without repair
I'll be wrong for the rest of the year anyway

I can't live this life much longer
(I just can't keep this up)
As the violence in me still thrives
(It makes me want to die)
If I cannot stop Mr. Funeral
(I can't hold this stuff)
Then I will not survive

They should've told you the mind is a monster
And the feminine is its palace
If only I could be honest like her
Maybe she could show me
How to depose the malice

Power is wasted in my hands
Try to resist abuse to no avail
I used to think I was imprisoned
But all along I was the jail
Compromised by avarice

I can't live this life much longer
(I just can't keep this up)
As the violence in me still thrives
(It makes me want to die)
If I cannot stop Mr. Funeral
(I can't hold this stuff)
Then I will not survive

I'm responsible recovering from my own sin
I cannot be your possessive patriarchal whim
I am culpable and fighting all from deep within
I was buried alive, I was buried alive

I can't live this life much longer
(Nobody told you what it was, nobody told you who it was)
As the violence in me still thrives
(Nobody told you how it was, how it was)
If I cannot stop Mr. Funeral
(So hasten my stride, I'm not a waste in your mind)
Then I will not survive
Pull me out in time, pull me out in time, pull me out in time
Pull me out

credits

from I Am To Err In a Black Sky & Find Dawn, released December 24, 2021

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The Formaldehide Silver Spring, Maryland

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† 2015 - 2023

All sounds by Nadja Wendell Newby Jones unless listed otherwise.

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